The Journey To Self; Chronicles Of A Self Love Enthusiast (Part 8) - I Hate My Brother!
.... I mean sometimes!But yeah I hate my brother!
Whew!
There, I said it.
My brother is the most annoying, frustrating person in my world, and I cannot help but want to "yell at the top of my lungs hate him" sometimes.
You see, as the first born in the midst of 2 families, my brother is my Stepdad's first child, which technically makes him my half brother (NOT stepbrother, but who cares!
I loved this boy (I mean if love is what I think it was) even before I met him.
Or let's perhaps put it like, I conditionally expectedly looked forward to meeting a new sister, like in the movies, until the baby turned out to be a girl.
And the hand made bead I did myself, in response to looking forward to a baby sister, was handed over to him.
I remember seeing him for the first time, and firstly noticed how "baby huge" his palms were.
It was probably love at first sight.
Maybe.
He was the cutest baby (I mean aren't babies like literally always the cutest, until you meet the next baby again?), and I really always just wanted to play with him.
TILL HE GREW!
Now my brother is a pre-teen, and on most days, I want to just *mutters cursewords under breath", and just SCREAM!
Like I just want to be able to communicate to someone who is self aware enough to not take things personally and someone who understands "it's not him, it's me"
But "wails"
.
I don't know if it's puberty, parental influence, dealingnwith emotionally phobic parents, and additional genetics involved but boy is my brother so annoying!
My sister and him are literally rivals half the time, and he expressed himself as either hating her or wishing she wasn't his sister.
My sister almost always feels same about him.
Now I understand my brother has a lot of anger and frustration that I am certain he needs therapy for at this point; I mean at some point he got so upset with our sister, he thought to carry a knife to threaten her or something.
See why I say he needs so much therapy with dealing with acquired anger issues, including "African parents" healing that I empathetically understand and I'm healing from?
It still doesn't change the fact that his level of self unawareness makes him some really annoying human that makes you feel like you could beat so much crap out of him, and feel not a slight sense of remorse.
Like on some days, if killing wasn't morally wrong, whew, nvm.
But you know what, you gotta be the adult everytime, which is pure frustrating bullshit with children.
Because it's like why can't I just speak my mind without having to give two fucks about a child who does not care that he/she is hurting your feelings so bad?
This is what makes the situation harder, because you gotta keep choosing to think "oh he's still a pre-teen" or oh "it's a child", they won't get you, unlike being able to relate or connect with an adult or someone your age.
Annoying little gremlins!
Then again, he does not understand consent, no matter how much I have tried explaining in the kindest of ways (believe me), still takes stuff without asking, apologises, and goes back to doing the same thing AGAIN!
Sometimes I think my brother is possessed, and at the moment, I feel so validly right for feeling this way towards my brother!
I feel so frustrated and I have run out of sane options to cope with him mentally.
We have some good days no doubt, but the other days are so hard.
Because you want to try so much to help him, but he makes it harder.
Now we don't often talk about sibling rivalry, and sibling hatred, and I feel like this needs to be spoken about more.
I've read stuff saying, siblings rivalry happen and stuff (I mean mine has nothing to do with rivalr btw), but I mean, I haven't exactly found solutions or heard people openly talk about stuff like "I hate my brother", or "I hate my sister".
And owning it, like "Yes you know what, it's pretty much normal to hate a sibling sometimes, it doesn't make you bad, but you know what, this is how to rise above those days"
If therapy wasn't ancient to sadly ignorant African parents, my brother should have started seeing a therapist SINCE.
But then, also, what is Love?
And is it really unconditional?
Because if it is?
Am I meant to be feeling this way?
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